[ no he won't. he'll drown. again. and this time it really will be her fault. and yet she doesn't think she's going to win this game of chicken. ]
I'll come down on 1 condition You talk to me
I wanna know what's making you so miserable you're willing to drown again just to feel like you're somebody's port in a storm [ just a pinch of projection in there. ]
it takes a minute for her to locate him down below. then a second as she climbs up the roof's edge and jumps for the fire escape of the other building. the metal clatters and Jess curses, hauling herself over the rail and landing on her ass. descending, she intermittently glances off by a hip or reaches out with a hand to the wall to steady herself.
Jess wouldn't be surprised if he changed his mind and left by the time she arrives, but that's not the case. Jess wipes mussed strands of hair from her face, some unearned pride in the upward tip of her chin. she acknowledges him with a, ]
It's not a term of endearment I've been called before but I'll take it.
( he rolls his eyes at her though, sarcasm heavy in his tone. he crosses his arms, peers up at the roof she'd come down from and then back at her. )
Nice of you to decide to give me the time of day.
( he appreciates her coming down from her perch to talk to him. or be talked at. he said he'd talk but he doesn't really want to especially about himself. )
[ it's not? that's genuinely surprising to her. she's too busy glaring at him to convey it though. ]
Well you seem to need it pretty damn badly. [ she's not going to let him deflect his way out of this. he may have some right to be upset with her but he's said more than his piece on that already. Jess digs into her bag for her flask and tosses it at him in an underhand arc. ]
[ Jess calls bullshit that his motives are purely altruistic. Nobody cares this much that isn't avoiding something in their own life. He doesn't sleep well, and whether that has to do with his life here or his life before, it's a clear sign that he's not okay in some capacity.
She trudges forward to snatch back her flask. If he tries to play keepaway like he did with the joint, things could get uncomfortably physical. ]
Wow, something more we have in common. How amazing.
( she tries to snatch the flask and he pulls it back, taking a few steps away from her. he shoves it into his back pocket, not intending to drink from it or take it but she doesn't get it right now. )
What the hell's the matter with you, Jessica? What? You can't stand having someone give a shit? Too bad, I do. Do you want me to stop?
( she can tell him that all she wants. it's not going to make him stop. )
What's the matter with me? What the hell is wrong with you! [ She advances, intent on taking her flask back on her own terms. ] You don't get to tell me everything's fine when you won't settle for that from me. Goddamn hypocrite! [ She lunges for his side, trying to grab the bottle out of his back pocket without actually putting hands on him. ]
( hypocrite is definitely something he's been called before but he doesn't say that. he just twists away from her for a second and holds up his hands. )
Of course everything isn't fine, Jessica. I'm stuck here, trying to stay fucking sane in the middle of whatever this place is. I ended up chained to a rock, ended up losing time, and now I'm here.
( he spits the words out. he hadn't thought he'd need to spell all this out but here they were. )
So no, I don't accept that from you because I freaking know better.
[ Jess practically snarls at that. She doesn't consider that he knows better because anyone would in this situation, with or without context. She's obviously lashing out, pushing him away so she can fill the space between them with the defenses she feels she's lost. Not only has he been exposed to much of her pain, he got to see her without it. A glimpse at the person she could be were she not bound up in guilt and fear and self-medication.
Mired as she is all three, she can only receive those words as an insult (though she's not so blind as to think that's how he means them). She can only see the imbalance between them, that she's more known to him than he is to her. ]
Tell me again. [ Whether by his wrists or his shoulders, she shoves him back against the nearest wall. Despite her anger, it's not hard enough to bruise or knock the wind out of him. She just wants him to stand fucking still. She wants to see him up close, cruelly personal, as he hurts. ] How it's not fine.
( he knows that she's not using the strength that he's seen her use before but she's still damn strong. his back thumps against the wall and he grimaces almost instinctively before he scowls at her. h)
Is that what you want? To know that I'm not fine? I'm not, Jessica. I haven't been fine for years. I'm just really fucking good at faking it.
( he had to be to do what he did. he didn't want his moods and opinions to bring down the whole mutant underground. he couldn't let his burdens become theirs. )
I hate this place. I hate being away from home. I hate not knowing what's coming next. The only thing that makes me want to survive is the people I've met here.
[ The gaze she bears upon him is relentless, inflexible. This is, in fact, what she wants. She despises herself for it, a present loathing that will compound with time and drink. It's the fastest, easiest way she can start to feel right with him. And if he never wants to see or speak to her again because of it, she won't hold it against him.
He's still keeping himself impressively in check. He doesn't owe her losing control, whatever form it may take. His honesty is all she needs. One of the hands pinning him eases off and digs in between his back and the wall to retrieve her flask. ]
Fake people piss me off. [ A statement from which she is not exempt. ]
That what you've been thinking of me all this time? That I'm fake?
( he rips the flask out of his pocket and tosses it at her feet, feeling his ire start to rise. if she's trying to make him angry, she's starting to succeed. he has a feeling that's what she wants so he continues to try and keep himself in check. )
And what did telling you any of that solve? Misery loves company? Or whatever other stupid ass cliche you can come up with?
( he shakes his head, shoving her so he can get away from the wall. )
[ Rude. She hasn't a leg to stand on there though. Jess just shoots him another glare before she scoops her flask off the ground.
Out of callous ambivalence, Jess chose her words poorly. A lot of connotations come with "fake" that she wouldn't attach to Marcos. But she does feel he's kept a part of himself from her, and she can't tell if he's kept it from himself as well. And she's never been more aware of how it's gotten under her skin than she is tonight. ]
It doesn't solve shit. I just wanted to hear you say it. [ The people he's met here. Hopefully the others don't go rooting around his good nature looking for ulterior motives. Jess uncaps the flask with such frenzied vigor that she fails to grip it and it falls to the ground. ] Quit throwing it in my face that you give a shit about me when that's the only thing you have.
( jesus, she's goddamn impossible. he feels a headache starting to form right behind his eyes and he rubs at his temple while he watches her fumble around with the flask. )
Well, you got your wish. I said it. I hope it makes you happy.
( because it pisses him off that all she'd been trying to do is rip off the band aid and make the cut bleed again. he'd been doing his level best to let it scab over. )
You got anymore opinions of me you wanna lay on me while I'm here? Since that's what you seem to be wanting to do today.
[ Her mumble is swallowed by the bottle as she brings it to her mouth and drinks. Her eyes don't move from him as she swallows down the cheapest whiskey money can buy. Lowering the bottle, she points a finger at him with that same hand. ]
I told you to go home. I told you you didn't wanna see me.
And I told you to stop making my goddamn choices for me. I get to decide who I want to see and who I don't want to see. You're pissing me off but I've been pissed off before.
( at her and at other people he cares about. he shakes his head. )
Of course you're not. [ Jess raises the flask in a mock cheers, as if to say I'm not going to stop drinking. Same goddamn difference. ] And turn down a fix this good?
[ Jess is so sick of his patience and empathy at this point. Whether or not she was aware of it at the time, the truth is she didn't want to see him. Misery does love company and her ugly side would rather deal with his. ]
Please. [ A sneer. ] That's exactly what this is. [ Part of it anyway. She drinks to his denial. ]
Really? So, do you go around messaging everyone you screw to make sure they're careful because of some maniac in a certain part of town?
( because she'd done that to him. )
Do you crash at their places when they offer it up so you can sleep? You sit on roofs with them and smoke and talk and shit like that? Do you?
( he doesn't expect this to do anything but he wants to remind her of it just so she doesn't forget. where she wants to make him angry, he's going to remind her that she's not always like this. )
They fucked with my head! [ To which she wildly points.
Unfortunately, listing her realignment eclipses (shut up) the instances he reminds her of first. She did reach out to the people she slept with and cautioned them about that maniac. She did crash at Logan's business and share drinks with him, though they kept talking to a minimum. In this light, she sees all of that as a mistake. Because of how she cares for them, they all saw the side of her that realignment forced out. ]
Just like he did! [ Gesturing at him now, no less distressed. ] They chained you to a rock to rape you!
It's self-mutilation, caring about people here! It's fucked, Marcos! [ The last statement is punctuated with a violent clash as her metal flask is thrown at the wall with such force that it dents in half like a flimsy tin can. ]
So, what are you going to do, Jessica? Fuck someone when you have to and drink yourself blind?
( he doesn't flinch when she throws the flask but it's a close thing. he doesn't even know what he's doing here, arguing with her about this. he should walk away but he just...can't. )
I know what they did to me. I know it! And I'm dealing with it.
( or ignoring it. )
If you don't wanna care, don't care! I can't make you do something you don't want to do. If that's how you want it to be, fine. Fucking fine, Jessica.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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i still want to see you
do you want me to come up there
because i fucking will
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I'll come down on 1 condition
You talk to me
I wanna know what's making you so miserable you're willing to drown again just to feel like you're somebody's port in a storm [ just a pinch of projection in there. ]
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fine.
come down
i'll talk to you
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it takes a minute for her to locate him down below. then a second as she climbs up the roof's edge and jumps for the fire escape of the other building. the metal clatters and Jess curses, hauling herself over the rail and landing on her ass. descending, she intermittently glances off by a hip or reaches out with a hand to the wall to steady herself.
Jess wouldn't be surprised if he changed his mind and left by the time she arrives, but that's not the case. Jess wipes mussed strands of hair from her face, some unearned pride in the upward tip of her chin. she acknowledges him with a, ]
Mother Teresa.
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( he rolls his eyes at her though, sarcasm heavy in his tone. he crosses his arms, peers up at the roof she'd come down from and then back at her. )
Nice of you to decide to give me the time of day.
( he appreciates her coming down from her perch to talk to him. or be talked at. he said he'd talk but he doesn't really want to especially about himself. )
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Well you seem to need it pretty damn badly. [ she's not going to let him deflect his way out of this. he may have some right to be upset with her but he's said more than his piece on that already. Jess digs into her bag for her flask and tosses it at him in an underhand arc. ]
Grease your wheels. I'm listening.
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( he snatches the flask out of the air but he doesn't do anything but hold it. he doesn't want it right now. )
And I didn't come here looking to throw myself into the water and drown just to see you. I came because —
( he stares at her and then shakes his head. )
I'm allowed to worry about you. I'm allowed to care so don't go telling me that I can't or you're fine on your own. I don't buy it.
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[ Jess calls bullshit that his motives are purely altruistic. Nobody cares this much that isn't avoiding something in their own life. He doesn't sleep well, and whether that has to do with his life here or his life before, it's a clear sign that he's not okay in some capacity.
She trudges forward to snatch back her flask. If he tries to play keepaway like he did with the joint, things could get uncomfortably physical. ]
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( she tries to snatch the flask and he pulls it back, taking a few steps away from her. he shoves it into his back pocket, not intending to drink from it or take it but she doesn't get it right now. )
What the hell's the matter with you, Jessica? What? You can't stand having someone give a shit? Too bad, I do. Do you want me to stop?
( she can tell him that all she wants. it's not going to make him stop. )
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What's the matter with me? What the hell is wrong with you! [ She advances, intent on taking her flask back on her own terms. ] You don't get to tell me everything's fine when you won't settle for that from me. Goddamn hypocrite! [ She lunges for his side, trying to grab the bottle out of his back pocket without actually putting hands on him. ]
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Of course everything isn't fine, Jessica. I'm stuck here, trying to stay fucking sane in the middle of whatever this place is. I ended up chained to a rock, ended up losing time, and now I'm here.
( he spits the words out. he hadn't thought he'd need to spell all this out but here they were. )
So no, I don't accept that from you because I freaking know better.
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Mired as she is all three, she can only receive those words as an insult (though she's not so blind as to think that's how he means them). She can only see the imbalance between them, that she's more known to him than he is to her. ]
Tell me again. [ Whether by his wrists or his shoulders, she shoves him back against the nearest wall. Despite her anger, it's not hard enough to bruise or knock the wind out of him. She just wants him to stand fucking still. She wants to see him up close, cruelly personal, as he hurts. ] How it's not fine.
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Is that what you want? To know that I'm not fine? I'm not, Jessica. I haven't been fine for years. I'm just really fucking good at faking it.
( he had to be to do what he did. he didn't want his moods and opinions to bring down the whole mutant underground. he couldn't let his burdens become theirs. )
I hate this place. I hate being away from home. I hate not knowing what's coming next. The only thing that makes me want to survive is the people I've met here.
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He's still keeping himself impressively in check. He doesn't owe her losing control, whatever form it may take. His honesty is all she needs. One of the hands pinning him eases off and digs in between his back and the wall to retrieve her flask. ]
Fake people piss me off. [ A statement from which she is not exempt. ]
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( he rips the flask out of his pocket and tosses it at her feet, feeling his ire start to rise. if she's trying to make him angry, she's starting to succeed. he has a feeling that's what she wants so he continues to try and keep himself in check. )
And what did telling you any of that solve? Misery loves company? Or whatever other stupid ass cliche you can come up with?
( he shakes his head, shoving her so he can get away from the wall. )
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Out of callous ambivalence, Jess chose her words poorly. A lot of connotations come with "fake" that she wouldn't attach to Marcos. But she does feel he's kept a part of himself from her, and she can't tell if he's kept it from himself as well. And she's never been more aware of how it's gotten under her skin than she is tonight. ]
It doesn't solve shit. I just wanted to hear you say it. [ The people he's met here. Hopefully the others don't go rooting around his good nature looking for ulterior motives. Jess uncaps the flask with such frenzied vigor that she fails to grip it and it falls to the ground. ] Quit throwing it in my face that you give a shit about me when that's the only thing you have.
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Well, you got your wish. I said it. I hope it makes you happy.
( because it pisses him off that all she'd been trying to do is rip off the band aid and make the cut bleed again. he'd been doing his level best to let it scab over. )
You got anymore opinions of me you wanna lay on me while I'm here? Since that's what you seem to be wanting to do today.
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[ Her mumble is swallowed by the bottle as she brings it to her mouth and drinks. Her eyes don't move from him as she swallows down the cheapest whiskey money can buy. Lowering the bottle, she points a finger at him with that same hand. ]
I told you to go home. I told you you didn't wanna see me.
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( marcos rolls his eyes at her. )
And I told you to stop making my goddamn choices for me. I get to decide who I want to see and who I don't want to see. You're pissing me off but I've been pissed off before.
( at her and at other people he cares about. he shakes his head. )
I'm not going anywhere.
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Of course you're not. [ Jess raises the flask in a mock cheers, as if to say I'm not going to stop drinking. Same goddamn difference. ] And turn down a fix this good?
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( that's enough to make him bristle, to make him want to scream at her but he wonders if she's trying to get some kind of rise out of him.
he takes a breath and looks away, trying to once again pull in his anger. )
You know that's not what this is.
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Please. [ A sneer. ] That's exactly what this is. [ Part of it anyway. She drinks to his denial. ]
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( because she'd done that to him. )
Do you crash at their places when they offer it up so you can sleep? You sit on roofs with them and smoke and talk and shit like that? Do you?
( he doesn't expect this to do anything but he wants to remind her of it just so she doesn't forget. where she wants to make him angry, he's going to remind her that she's not always like this. )
cw mention of event-related non-con
Unfortunately, listing her realignment eclipses (
shut up) the instances he reminds her of first. She did reach out to the people she slept with and cautioned them about that maniac. She did crash at Logan's business and share drinks with him, though they kept talking to a minimum. In this light, she sees all of that as a mistake. Because of how she cares for them, they all saw the side of her that realignment forced out. ]Just like he did! [ Gesturing at him now, no less distressed. ] They chained you to a rock to rape you!
It's self-mutilation, caring about people here! It's fucked, Marcos! [ The last statement is punctuated with a violent clash as her metal flask is thrown at the wall with such force that it dents in half like a flimsy tin can. ]
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( he doesn't flinch when she throws the flask but it's a close thing. he doesn't even know what he's doing here, arguing with her about this. he should walk away but he just...can't. )
I know what they did to me. I know it! And I'm dealing with it.
( or ignoring it. )
If you don't wanna care, don't care! I can't make you do something you don't want to do. If that's how you want it to be, fine. Fucking fine, Jessica.
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