What's the matter with me? What the hell is wrong with you! [ She advances, intent on taking her flask back on her own terms. ] You don't get to tell me everything's fine when you won't settle for that from me. Goddamn hypocrite! [ She lunges for his side, trying to grab the bottle out of his back pocket without actually putting hands on him. ]
( hypocrite is definitely something he's been called before but he doesn't say that. he just twists away from her for a second and holds up his hands. )
Of course everything isn't fine, Jessica. I'm stuck here, trying to stay fucking sane in the middle of whatever this place is. I ended up chained to a rock, ended up losing time, and now I'm here.
( he spits the words out. he hadn't thought he'd need to spell all this out but here they were. )
So no, I don't accept that from you because I freaking know better.
[ Jess practically snarls at that. She doesn't consider that he knows better because anyone would in this situation, with or without context. She's obviously lashing out, pushing him away so she can fill the space between them with the defenses she feels she's lost. Not only has he been exposed to much of her pain, he got to see her without it. A glimpse at the person she could be were she not bound up in guilt and fear and self-medication.
Mired as she is all three, she can only receive those words as an insult (though she's not so blind as to think that's how he means them). She can only see the imbalance between them, that she's more known to him than he is to her. ]
Tell me again. [ Whether by his wrists or his shoulders, she shoves him back against the nearest wall. Despite her anger, it's not hard enough to bruise or knock the wind out of him. She just wants him to stand fucking still. She wants to see him up close, cruelly personal, as he hurts. ] How it's not fine.
( he knows that she's not using the strength that he's seen her use before but she's still damn strong. his back thumps against the wall and he grimaces almost instinctively before he scowls at her. h)
Is that what you want? To know that I'm not fine? I'm not, Jessica. I haven't been fine for years. I'm just really fucking good at faking it.
( he had to be to do what he did. he didn't want his moods and opinions to bring down the whole mutant underground. he couldn't let his burdens become theirs. )
I hate this place. I hate being away from home. I hate not knowing what's coming next. The only thing that makes me want to survive is the people I've met here.
[ The gaze she bears upon him is relentless, inflexible. This is, in fact, what she wants. She despises herself for it, a present loathing that will compound with time and drink. It's the fastest, easiest way she can start to feel right with him. And if he never wants to see or speak to her again because of it, she won't hold it against him.
He's still keeping himself impressively in check. He doesn't owe her losing control, whatever form it may take. His honesty is all she needs. One of the hands pinning him eases off and digs in between his back and the wall to retrieve her flask. ]
Fake people piss me off. [ A statement from which she is not exempt. ]
That what you've been thinking of me all this time? That I'm fake?
( he rips the flask out of his pocket and tosses it at her feet, feeling his ire start to rise. if she's trying to make him angry, she's starting to succeed. he has a feeling that's what she wants so he continues to try and keep himself in check. )
And what did telling you any of that solve? Misery loves company? Or whatever other stupid ass cliche you can come up with?
( he shakes his head, shoving her so he can get away from the wall. )
[ Rude. She hasn't a leg to stand on there though. Jess just shoots him another glare before she scoops her flask off the ground.
Out of callous ambivalence, Jess chose her words poorly. A lot of connotations come with "fake" that she wouldn't attach to Marcos. But she does feel he's kept a part of himself from her, and she can't tell if he's kept it from himself as well. And she's never been more aware of how it's gotten under her skin than she is tonight. ]
It doesn't solve shit. I just wanted to hear you say it. [ The people he's met here. Hopefully the others don't go rooting around his good nature looking for ulterior motives. Jess uncaps the flask with such frenzied vigor that she fails to grip it and it falls to the ground. ] Quit throwing it in my face that you give a shit about me when that's the only thing you have.
( jesus, she's goddamn impossible. he feels a headache starting to form right behind his eyes and he rubs at his temple while he watches her fumble around with the flask. )
Well, you got your wish. I said it. I hope it makes you happy.
( because it pisses him off that all she'd been trying to do is rip off the band aid and make the cut bleed again. he'd been doing his level best to let it scab over. )
You got anymore opinions of me you wanna lay on me while I'm here? Since that's what you seem to be wanting to do today.
[ Her mumble is swallowed by the bottle as she brings it to her mouth and drinks. Her eyes don't move from him as she swallows down the cheapest whiskey money can buy. Lowering the bottle, she points a finger at him with that same hand. ]
I told you to go home. I told you you didn't wanna see me.
And I told you to stop making my goddamn choices for me. I get to decide who I want to see and who I don't want to see. You're pissing me off but I've been pissed off before.
( at her and at other people he cares about. he shakes his head. )
Of course you're not. [ Jess raises the flask in a mock cheers, as if to say I'm not going to stop drinking. Same goddamn difference. ] And turn down a fix this good?
[ Jess is so sick of his patience and empathy at this point. Whether or not she was aware of it at the time, the truth is she didn't want to see him. Misery does love company and her ugly side would rather deal with his. ]
Please. [ A sneer. ] That's exactly what this is. [ Part of it anyway. She drinks to his denial. ]
Really? So, do you go around messaging everyone you screw to make sure they're careful because of some maniac in a certain part of town?
( because she'd done that to him. )
Do you crash at their places when they offer it up so you can sleep? You sit on roofs with them and smoke and talk and shit like that? Do you?
( he doesn't expect this to do anything but he wants to remind her of it just so she doesn't forget. where she wants to make him angry, he's going to remind her that she's not always like this. )
They fucked with my head! [ To which she wildly points.
Unfortunately, listing her realignment eclipses (shut up) the instances he reminds her of first. She did reach out to the people she slept with and cautioned them about that maniac. She did crash at Logan's business and share drinks with him, though they kept talking to a minimum. In this light, she sees all of that as a mistake. Because of how she cares for them, they all saw the side of her that realignment forced out. ]
Just like he did! [ Gesturing at him now, no less distressed. ] They chained you to a rock to rape you!
It's self-mutilation, caring about people here! It's fucked, Marcos! [ The last statement is punctuated with a violent clash as her metal flask is thrown at the wall with such force that it dents in half like a flimsy tin can. ]
So, what are you going to do, Jessica? Fuck someone when you have to and drink yourself blind?
( he doesn't flinch when she throws the flask but it's a close thing. he doesn't even know what he's doing here, arguing with her about this. he should walk away but he just...can't. )
I know what they did to me. I know it! And I'm dealing with it.
( or ignoring it. )
If you don't wanna care, don't care! I can't make you do something you don't want to do. If that's how you want it to be, fine. Fucking fine, Jessica.
[ The laugh that burbles out of her at "I'm dealing with it" is half-mad. So, uh, that's how she feels about that. ]
I'm fucking trying! [ she truly screams at him. What is this whole shitshow if not a valiant attempt to get him to meet her halfway? But no, she can't make that choice for him, and Jess isn't so good a liar that she can convince herself, without his help, that she doesn't give a damn. He'll just keep showing up and reminding her that she does.
Her eyes flash with a pleading look. She washes it out with a grimace and digs the heels of her palms into her eyes. Exhausted by the futility of her outburst, Jess crouches down in an attempt to ground herself. Without a wall to sit back against, she just perches on the soles of her feet and wrestles with the strain inside her head, like her brain's in a vice. ]
( he doesn't expect her to erupt like that. he'd expected more jibes, more anger, more snide remarks but she screams and then she seems to wilt and he stands there, uncertain of what to do.
the only thing he knows is that he can't walk away. he's quiet, staring down at her before he crouches in front of her, wrestling with the idea of touching her or keeping his hands to himself. )
Would you please come back to my place with me? Neither of us need to be out in this.
( he doesn't want her to be alone right now and he doesn't want to be alone. his place is close enough and that they could walk. )
[ She may have more anger, jibes and snide remarks yet. For all either of them know, she's taking a beat in preparation for her second wind. Or she could be spent. Jess would sigh if she weren't in conscious control of her breath. She takes air deeply in, deeply out, otherwise unmoving.
Ending up back at housing had been her plan anyway, hence her proximity. Her roommate has moved out or gone home. She could sleep there again, or pass out in any of the vacant rooms of the topmost floors. Still can.
Another controlled breath and her hands drop from her face. She puts them to her knees and pushes herself upright, then starts to drag her feet towards the exit. ] Let's go.
( he pushes himself to his feet and sighs, turning to head over to the housing in the down. there's still a lot of water and he's already soaking wet from having come over here. he doesn't stop to wait for her, guessing she'll be behind him and he doesn't say anything either.
he has no idea if he wants to say anything after all that. so, he just walks, facing forward and keeping his hands at his sides. )
[ She needs the silence. Talk would distract her from the engrossing physical task of walking. Each step resonates heavily. Once they hit the street, her eyes are glued to her feet, and then to the sloshing floodwater around her legs.
Jess hasn't really paid attention to the success or failure of the ritual. The attacks from "ghosts" in the water may have stopped, or they may be doing something risky, wading around down here. But she's not going to leave him on his own while she flings herself from roof to roof.
As they near the apartments, her foot slips off a chunk of submerged rubble. Jess slips raggedly into the water, catching herself on a nearby wall. It jostles her stomach and stirs up nausea which slows her down as they continue. ]
( he hears more than sees her slip so he slows down and then stops, again wondering if he should reach out and touch her, give her something to lean against.
in the end, he just slows his pace to match hers, not saying anything, not offering to help because he knows that it'll get rejected. he could force it on her but he knows that'll just end badly.
so he continues staying silent and he keeps walking, his pace slower but still moving forward. )
[ He's letting her fend for herself, for better or worse. She's too focused on completing the journey to take note. If he had tried to help her, or touch her while she was collecting herself several minutes ago, she would have noticed that in a big way. And, as he predicted, reacted poorly. The subtlety of his tact will instead creep up on her. Hopefully while it's fresh in her memory and not after sleep and a hangover have muddled it into an indistinct blur.
Housing is a similar slog as the streets. Jess falls a step behind him, having never entered from below since it's flooded. She always goes from the top down. She follows him along the path of least resistance as they climb the floors to his place. ]
( it doesn't take them all that long to make the trek from where she'd been to his apartment. when he opens the door, it's empty and quiet as usual. he steps in, leaves the door open for her and then shuts it when she finds her way inside.
he nods over at the bed. that's where she needs to go. will she? marcos doubts it but she needs to sleep this off and he needs to sit and stew. )
Lay down, Jessica.
( he sighs, feeling the weight of all that had just happened sit on his shoulders before he takes a seat in a raggedy chair. )
[ Dreading sleep, Jess nonetheless approaches the bed in which she's rested several times before. She drops her bag on the floor beside it. Then she places a hand on the edge of the mattress and eases herself to the ground to sit with her back against the bed frame. Jess toils in pulling off her sodden boots and socks, carelessly depositing them near her bag. Her pants she'll just have to live with for now.
Posture crumbling to a slouch, her head falls back onto the mattress. She sighs with closed eyes. Any time now, second wind. ]
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What's the matter with me? What the hell is wrong with you! [ She advances, intent on taking her flask back on her own terms. ] You don't get to tell me everything's fine when you won't settle for that from me. Goddamn hypocrite! [ She lunges for his side, trying to grab the bottle out of his back pocket without actually putting hands on him. ]
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Of course everything isn't fine, Jessica. I'm stuck here, trying to stay fucking sane in the middle of whatever this place is. I ended up chained to a rock, ended up losing time, and now I'm here.
( he spits the words out. he hadn't thought he'd need to spell all this out but here they were. )
So no, I don't accept that from you because I freaking know better.
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Mired as she is all three, she can only receive those words as an insult (though she's not so blind as to think that's how he means them). She can only see the imbalance between them, that she's more known to him than he is to her. ]
Tell me again. [ Whether by his wrists or his shoulders, she shoves him back against the nearest wall. Despite her anger, it's not hard enough to bruise or knock the wind out of him. She just wants him to stand fucking still. She wants to see him up close, cruelly personal, as he hurts. ] How it's not fine.
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Is that what you want? To know that I'm not fine? I'm not, Jessica. I haven't been fine for years. I'm just really fucking good at faking it.
( he had to be to do what he did. he didn't want his moods and opinions to bring down the whole mutant underground. he couldn't let his burdens become theirs. )
I hate this place. I hate being away from home. I hate not knowing what's coming next. The only thing that makes me want to survive is the people I've met here.
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He's still keeping himself impressively in check. He doesn't owe her losing control, whatever form it may take. His honesty is all she needs. One of the hands pinning him eases off and digs in between his back and the wall to retrieve her flask. ]
Fake people piss me off. [ A statement from which she is not exempt. ]
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( he rips the flask out of his pocket and tosses it at her feet, feeling his ire start to rise. if she's trying to make him angry, she's starting to succeed. he has a feeling that's what she wants so he continues to try and keep himself in check. )
And what did telling you any of that solve? Misery loves company? Or whatever other stupid ass cliche you can come up with?
( he shakes his head, shoving her so he can get away from the wall. )
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Out of callous ambivalence, Jess chose her words poorly. A lot of connotations come with "fake" that she wouldn't attach to Marcos. But she does feel he's kept a part of himself from her, and she can't tell if he's kept it from himself as well. And she's never been more aware of how it's gotten under her skin than she is tonight. ]
It doesn't solve shit. I just wanted to hear you say it. [ The people he's met here. Hopefully the others don't go rooting around his good nature looking for ulterior motives. Jess uncaps the flask with such frenzied vigor that she fails to grip it and it falls to the ground. ] Quit throwing it in my face that you give a shit about me when that's the only thing you have.
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Well, you got your wish. I said it. I hope it makes you happy.
( because it pisses him off that all she'd been trying to do is rip off the band aid and make the cut bleed again. he'd been doing his level best to let it scab over. )
You got anymore opinions of me you wanna lay on me while I'm here? Since that's what you seem to be wanting to do today.
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[ Her mumble is swallowed by the bottle as she brings it to her mouth and drinks. Her eyes don't move from him as she swallows down the cheapest whiskey money can buy. Lowering the bottle, she points a finger at him with that same hand. ]
I told you to go home. I told you you didn't wanna see me.
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( marcos rolls his eyes at her. )
And I told you to stop making my goddamn choices for me. I get to decide who I want to see and who I don't want to see. You're pissing me off but I've been pissed off before.
( at her and at other people he cares about. he shakes his head. )
I'm not going anywhere.
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Of course you're not. [ Jess raises the flask in a mock cheers, as if to say I'm not going to stop drinking. Same goddamn difference. ] And turn down a fix this good?
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( that's enough to make him bristle, to make him want to scream at her but he wonders if she's trying to get some kind of rise out of him.
he takes a breath and looks away, trying to once again pull in his anger. )
You know that's not what this is.
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Please. [ A sneer. ] That's exactly what this is. [ Part of it anyway. She drinks to his denial. ]
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( because she'd done that to him. )
Do you crash at their places when they offer it up so you can sleep? You sit on roofs with them and smoke and talk and shit like that? Do you?
( he doesn't expect this to do anything but he wants to remind her of it just so she doesn't forget. where she wants to make him angry, he's going to remind her that she's not always like this. )
cw mention of event-related non-con
Unfortunately, listing her realignment eclipses (
shut up) the instances he reminds her of first. She did reach out to the people she slept with and cautioned them about that maniac. She did crash at Logan's business and share drinks with him, though they kept talking to a minimum. In this light, she sees all of that as a mistake. Because of how she cares for them, they all saw the side of her that realignment forced out. ]Just like he did! [ Gesturing at him now, no less distressed. ] They chained you to a rock to rape you!
It's self-mutilation, caring about people here! It's fucked, Marcos! [ The last statement is punctuated with a violent clash as her metal flask is thrown at the wall with such force that it dents in half like a flimsy tin can. ]
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( he doesn't flinch when she throws the flask but it's a close thing. he doesn't even know what he's doing here, arguing with her about this. he should walk away but he just...can't. )
I know what they did to me. I know it! And I'm dealing with it.
( or ignoring it. )
If you don't wanna care, don't care! I can't make you do something you don't want to do. If that's how you want it to be, fine. Fucking fine, Jessica.
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I'm fucking trying! [ she truly screams at him. What is this whole shitshow if not a valiant attempt to get him to meet her halfway? But no, she can't make that choice for him, and Jess isn't so good a liar that she can convince herself, without his help, that she doesn't give a damn. He'll just keep showing up and reminding her that she does.
Her eyes flash with a pleading look. She washes it out with a grimace and digs the heels of her palms into her eyes. Exhausted by the futility of her outburst, Jess crouches down in an attempt to ground herself. Without a wall to sit back against, she just perches on the soles of her feet and wrestles with the strain inside her head, like her brain's in a vice. ]
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the only thing he knows is that he can't walk away. he's quiet, staring down at her before he crouches in front of her, wrestling with the idea of touching her or keeping his hands to himself. )
Would you please come back to my place with me? Neither of us need to be out in this.
( he doesn't want her to be alone right now and he doesn't want to be alone. his place is close enough and that they could walk. )
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Ending up back at housing had been her plan anyway, hence her proximity. Her roommate has moved out or gone home. She could sleep there again, or pass out in any of the vacant rooms of the topmost floors. Still can.
Another controlled breath and her hands drop from her face. She puts them to her knees and pushes herself upright, then starts to drag her feet towards the exit. ] Let's go.
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( he pushes himself to his feet and sighs, turning to head over to the housing in the down. there's still a lot of water and he's already soaking wet from having come over here. he doesn't stop to wait for her, guessing she'll be behind him and he doesn't say anything either.
he has no idea if he wants to say anything after all that. so, he just walks, facing forward and keeping his hands at his sides. )
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Jess hasn't really paid attention to the success or failure of the ritual. The attacks from "ghosts" in the water may have stopped, or they may be doing something risky, wading around down here. But she's not going to leave him on his own while she flings herself from roof to roof.
As they near the apartments, her foot slips off a chunk of submerged rubble. Jess slips raggedly into the water, catching herself on a nearby wall. It jostles her stomach and stirs up nausea which slows her down as they continue. ]
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in the end, he just slows his pace to match hers, not saying anything, not offering to help because he knows that it'll get rejected. he could force it on her but he knows that'll just end badly.
so he continues staying silent and he keeps walking, his pace slower but still moving forward. )
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Housing is a similar slog as the streets. Jess falls a step behind him, having never entered from below since it's flooded. She always goes from the top down. She follows him along the path of least resistance as they climb the floors to his place. ]
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he nods over at the bed. that's where she needs to go. will she? marcos doubts it but she needs to sleep this off and he needs to sit and stew. )
Lay down, Jessica.
( he sighs, feeling the weight of all that had just happened sit on his shoulders before he takes a seat in a raggedy chair. )
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[ Dreading sleep, Jess nonetheless approaches the bed in which she's rested several times before. She drops her bag on the floor beside it. Then she places a hand on the edge of the mattress and eases herself to the ground to sit with her back against the bed frame. Jess toils in pulling off her sodden boots and socks, carelessly depositing them near her bag. Her pants she'll just have to live with for now.
Posture crumbling to a slouch, her head falls back onto the mattress. She sighs with closed eyes. Any time now, second wind. ]
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