( it's something, at least, but it isn't enough. nick's heel bounces away, teeth dig into the inside of his cheek and he doesn't feel any better for it. the timing of it all is just--cruel, and nick swallows down a shaky breath before he clears his throat. )
( it would be so easy, to just ask. jess doesn't know that he's trying to stay clean, she's got no reason to turn him down short of not wanting to share. he could sober up before he got home, no one would need to know.
instead he just scrubs a hand over his face, balls his hands into fists. no one would know, but nick would. he's been trying so goddamn hard. )
It's not--like. It's not that I don't think you're right, it's just, like...if you are, shit changes, right?. For me, and like-- ( he shuts his mouth abruptly, cuts the rambling off for a moment, pulls together a sentence that isn't stumbling over itself. ) I don't want it to.
[ She sets the bottle on the table with a thud. Jess gets the temptation to turn away. How Nick's worded it may bother her but the dread he's shoddily expressing his human. She's wanted to run when the truth was too cruel to bear. When facing it meant walking into a storm and the other option was to let the gale sweep her far from that chaos.
It's really too bad about that wording. ]
News flash, shit's changed. [ Leaning back, she raises a hand, gestures listlessly to their surroundings. ] Or why else would you be here?
( it's not like he can forget the way he's wanted something that sounded a whole lot like revenge, or the way he's carefully stepped around talking about anything that's happened with william. or the way he already knew, when she first said something, or the gut twist of fear when he found out oliver had contracted with him. or the way nick already had the justifications ready, all the guy had to do was agree to them. )
Jesus fucking Christ.
( he's determined not to break but the decision is out of nick's hands, shaking as they are even balled into those fists. his attention is back on the ceiling, because it's a hell of a lot easier to blink rapidly up at that, like it's going to help him hold it together any better. )
I told him exactly what to say. He didn't even know, I told him about the shit they pull here, I just handed him the excuse on a silver fucking platter.
[ A sigh builds in her lungs but she releases it slowly so as to remain silent. She barely knows Nick, really. She's not the person who can comfort him and she doesn't know who is. Jess rubs at her brow as he pushes himself through the gates of a gauntlet of a guilt. Jess wants to tune him out, because what help can she really be? sitting here, doing nothing, while William is out there doing god knows what, but she forces herself to listen. Register.
And she regrets it. ]
When? [ She asks before she can tell herself not to. Christ, it's not Nick's fault, and it's not hers, regardless of which of them he got to first. ] It doesn't matter. Someone would have told him. He would've found out.
( it's only because he doesn't know her that he's even capable of having the conversation at all. jess has no stakes in his life, he could never speak to her again and not a thing would change for either of them. he doesn't know how to talk about these things to people, when he has to face them the next day, and the day after. )
I thought...I thought I knew what people were like, and I thought the problems were this place. I thought— ( he sits up sprightly, gestures to the bottle on the table. ) Can I have a drink?
[ She winces, crinkles at the edges of her eyes as she takes the information like a slap. God damn it, she said it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter.
Her response is almost spat, shattered glass sharp. ] It's your booze.
[ The chair skids as she gets up. She's going to find herself another bottle, too. Jess scoops a pint off the floor and shakes it. Seemingly dissatisfied with the loud sloshing, she twists the top off and drains it nonetheless. ]
( it is his booze. it doesn't really matter right now that it was supposed to be a gift, or payment, or something in between--for jess, at least--nick just unscrews the cap and takes a long swig. takes another, when the first wasn't satisfying enough. it burns as it goes down but nick doesn't wince, just burns a hole in the coffee table with a blank stare. )
I thought he was a good guy. Just...wrong place wrong time.
[ This is not the talk she assumed he was coming to have. She thought he'd try and pry her experience out of her, or rationalize some stubborn denial. You know, if he wasn't here at someone else's behest.
She's used to not being believed. She'd handle that better than what this is turning into. Commiseration? Or a loss of innocence that had managed to withstand every attempt at corruption until now? ]
You still think that. [ Jess stalks over to her desk and drops the empty bottle into the trash can. It makes a harsh clatter, smashing into another discarded bottle. ] Nothing's different, as far as he knows.
( he might as well admit it, nick knows that oliver isn't going to let it go now. nick is a seasoned liar but he doesn't do well when he's blindsided, and the news about that contract right after the conversation with jess? that had been a blindside.
he slugs from the bottle again, already resigned to dealing with that another day. tomorrow he can pull apart the drinking thing again, right now the liquor is more valuable in his system than in the bottle. but he nods, because if he has a direction, something to focus on, even if it's just act like everything is normal, that's better. he's always done better with direction. )
[ Jess leans back against her desk, crossing her arms. She blows a puff of air out from the bellows of her cheeks. She's safer. And anyone who might be in a similar position to her. Anyone else who brazenly refused to be blindfolded as to what was really going on during the assault. She doesn't know if she's the only one. Hoping one way or another feels equally shitty. ]
I don't know. The contract complicates things. If he was careful about it, he could be safer from Will than anyone. [ She's thought about what she'd put in writing, if some machination of the city had her signing with someone as twisted as him. Those precautions predate William by several months, though. ]
( nick had gotten lucky, as far as contracts went — the same way he's gotten lucky, over and over, in the decency of the people he's run into. he's never had to put the work into understanding the complications of contracts here.
it doesn't feel any better to keep drinking but he does it anyway, for something to do with his hands or a reason to stop. beefed up or not, nick literally makes the stuff, he knows it will take a while before it starts to take effect. a handful of sober days hasn't killed the tolerance he's built up over the years, after all. )
[ A sneer. Whatever that means, she's blissfully unaware, but she can hear it in his voice and it's repulsive. ]
Yeah. [ Presumably he can get it through his friend, and it doesn't need to be said that William should be kept in the dark. If that friend of Nick's is already a little suspicious, simply asking for a copy won't worsen that, unless he makes a bargain out of it. She'll reiterate the importance of subterfuge before Nick has a chance to actually do anything.
Which won't guarantee shit. What began as a measured risk, looking out for Nick, is starting to snowball. But, like Nick, she can't go back to not knowing. She can't just stand back and let it happen to someone else. ] Does he seem okay, your friend?
[ It should be uncomfortably clear what "okay" means in this context. ]
Edited (dog is distractingggg) 2022-02-15 06:13 (UTC)
( lie the way nick does, but it's a particularly shameful character trait he doesn't like to shine a light on if he can help it, so that train of thought ends as quickly as it starts. another drink, a sour expression on his face as he continues. )
He thinks he's fine. Doesn't trust him but he doesn't trust anyone. He would have gone harder with me if--anything had happened.
( he's mistrustful and stubborn, and far less easily swayed than nick, and that's about all that nick is holding onto right now. it's no kind of protection really, but it might buy time. whatever good that might do any of them.
if he has ideas whirring in the back of his mind already he doesn't voice them though, just scrapes at the corner of the label with his bitten down thumbnail and squints into the bottle. )
His name is Oliver Daye. My age, my height. Brown hair, brown eyes.
[ Then maybe the long game is played differently. She was thrown away in a night. His control of her was cheap and easy; he might consider her to be, too. No follow-up conversation with her, trying to convince her he'd been acting out of character. To keep someone under his thumb for several months, maybe they should want to be there. Or think they do. Could be more rewarding from his perspective.
Jess worries her lip, gaze unfixed. She can't help but assume William will push those limits. Expand the parameters of his dominance, little by little. Or a lot. He can throw caution to the wind if he does it sparingly, puts on a pretty pout and lets the city take the blame. Like he did with Nick. ]
If he can get a copy without raising suspicion, get me photos of it. For now, it might be enough that he doesn't trust him. And keeps his distance when things around here get... the fucked up way they get.
If Oli finds out what happened, he'll try to kill him.
( try, only because nick knows nebulously that william is a something, even if he doesn't know an awful lot more than that, and because oliver has about as much experience in murdering people as nick does--which is to say, none at all.
but if the "plan" (if it can even be called that, as far as what nick knows) is to sit tight, then it's probably worth rattling off the liabilities. nick is a liability, even saying william's name feels too much right now, but he can figure that out. it's everyone else that he doesn't know what to do with. )
Logan knows a little. Not everything. I saw him, after— ( he swigs rather than finish that sentence, shrugging like they're talking about the weather. ) No one else knows anything.
[ Her eyes focus up at the sound of Logan's name. Fuck. Shit fuck fucking shit shit fuck. He's no more in danger than if only one of them had leaned on him but Christ. It's a lot for one man to bear. Not to mention, it was on his dime that she spent her first two and a half days out of the Zoo.
She can't afford to spiral out about it now. Putting a pin on it, she pushes herself away from her desk. ]
I saw him too. [ Not right after, but why split hairs? This, at least, she can take off Nick's shoulders. ] Talked options with him. Will heals like he does. [ So Logan knows that as well. ]
( logan would probably try to kill william if he found out the extent of the man's involvement too, but if jess knows logan well enough to talk options with him then she probably knows that too, so nick doesn't bother saying that. he'd rather not remember the way he was tempted, just for a moment, to let him.
it's not--impossible, but they're certainly complications. nick presses a thumb between his eyebrows. he doesn't have a headache but it feels like he should, the amount of pressure that's weighing on this conversation. the stakes might as well be astronomical. )
Right. Okay. So I...come up with something for Oliver. Jealousy, maybe. He'll buy it if I make it something weird, maybe. Logan, I don't know. He'll probably bring it up it up if he thinks anything is going on, so I can wait for that. Get the contract, act normal with William.
( he starts about as decisively as nick is capable of, but the more he talks the less certain he gets. it's a stopgap at best, but he doesn't expect there's really any other steps to be taken. just...to hunker down, and endure the storm.
[ It sucks but all they can do for now is tread water. The most actionable course she can take based on current information is ripping William's head off. His bones break just like anybody else's. It should kill him. But odds are good that he'll just come back. People fall into comas, they vanish, and they resurrect. She hasn't read a single network post in her time here about someone kicking the bucket for good.
So that's a last resort. In case he catches on. It won't be half as effective as what he's truly afraid of, which remains undiscovered. It's sure as hell not pain. Even that, once weaponized, will be a never-ending battle. The city will offer opportunities to circumvent her measures. The introduction of something persuasive to the food or the air. A naive or unscrupulous new arrival to the program willing to lend him aid. Leverage over those magic users already here. And then she'll devise a counter to his retaliation, and so on and so on, until the program sees fit to send one of them home.
It seems so hellishly exhausting and hopeless when she thinks that far ahead. ]
Yeah. [ She lumbers over to the couch and sits herself down with the grace of a potato sack. ] It's safer if you don't know. But if something happens, call me. [ She doesn't sound sure about making that offer but she has to. She's the only one who can. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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You're sure that William's a bad guy?
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instead he just scrubs a hand over his face, balls his hands into fists. no one would know, but nick would. he's been trying so goddamn hard. )
It's not--like. It's not that I don't think you're right, it's just, like...if you are, shit changes, right?. For me, and like-- ( he shuts his mouth abruptly, cuts the rambling off for a moment, pulls together a sentence that isn't stumbling over itself. ) I don't want it to.
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It's really too bad about that wording. ]
News flash, shit's changed. [ Leaning back, she raises a hand, gestures listlessly to their surroundings. ] Or why else would you be here?
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( it's not like he can forget the way he's wanted something that sounded a whole lot like revenge, or the way he's carefully stepped around talking about anything that's happened with william. or the way he already knew, when she first said something, or the gut twist of fear when he found out oliver had contracted with him. or the way nick already had the justifications ready, all the guy had to do was agree to them. )
Jesus fucking Christ.
( he's determined not to break but the decision is out of nick's hands, shaking as they are even balled into those fists. his attention is back on the ceiling, because it's a hell of a lot easier to blink rapidly up at that, like it's going to help him hold it together any better. )
I told him exactly what to say. He didn't even know, I told him about the shit they pull here, I just handed him the excuse on a silver fucking platter.
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And she regrets it. ]
When? [ She asks before she can tell herself not to. Christ, it's not Nick's fault, and it's not hers, regardless of which of them he got to first. ] It doesn't matter. Someone would have told him. He would've found out.
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( it's only because he doesn't know her that he's even capable of having the conversation at all. jess has no stakes in his life, he could never speak to her again and not a thing would change for either of them. he doesn't know how to talk about these things to people, when he has to face them the next day, and the day after. )
I thought...I thought I knew what people were like, and I thought the problems were this place. I thought— ( he sits up sprightly, gestures to the bottle on the table. ) Can I have a drink?
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Her response is almost spat, shattered glass sharp. ] It's your booze.
[ The chair skids as she gets up. She's going to find herself another bottle, too. Jess scoops a pint off the floor and shakes it. Seemingly dissatisfied with the loud sloshing, she twists the top off and drains it nonetheless. ]
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I thought he was a good guy. Just...wrong place wrong time.
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She's used to not being believed. She'd handle that better than what this is turning into. Commiseration? Or a loss of innocence that had managed to withstand every attempt at corruption until now? ]
You still think that. [ Jess stalks over to her desk and drops the empty bottle into the trash can. It makes a harsh clatter, smashing into another discarded bottle. ] Nothing's different, as far as he knows.
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( he might as well admit it, nick knows that oliver isn't going to let it go now. nick is a seasoned liar but he doesn't do well when he's blindsided, and the news about that contract right after the conversation with jess? that had been a blindside.
he slugs from the bottle again, already resigned to dealing with that another day. tomorrow he can pull apart the drinking thing again, right now the liquor is more valuable in his system than in the bottle. but he nods, because if he has a direction, something to focus on, even if it's just act like everything is normal, that's better. he's always done better with direction. )
Is he safer if he doesn't know?
cw noncon ref
I don't know. The contract complicates things. If he was careful about it, he could be safer from Will than anyone. [ She's thought about what she'd put in writing, if some machination of the city had her signing with someone as twisted as him. Those precautions predate William by several months, though. ]
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( nick had gotten lucky, as far as contracts went — the same way he's gotten lucky, over and over, in the decency of the people he's run into. he's never had to put the work into understanding the complications of contracts here.
it doesn't feel any better to keep drinking but he does it anyway, for something to do with his hands or a reason to stop. beefed up or not, nick literally makes the stuff, he knows it will take a while before it starts to take effect. a handful of sober days hasn't killed the tolerance he's built up over the years, after all. )
Apparently he likes Oli's face.
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Yeah. [ Presumably he can get it through his friend, and it doesn't need to be said that William should be kept in the dark. If that friend of Nick's is already a little suspicious, simply asking for a copy won't worsen that, unless he makes a bargain out of it. She'll reiterate the importance of subterfuge before Nick has a chance to actually do anything.
Which won't guarantee shit. What began as a measured risk, looking out for Nick, is starting to snowball. But, like Nick, she can't go back to not knowing. She can't just stand back and let it happen to someone else. ] Does he seem okay, your friend?
[ It should be uncomfortably clear what "okay" means in this context. ]
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( lie the way nick does, but it's a particularly shameful character trait he doesn't like to shine a light on if he can help it, so that train of thought ends as quickly as it starts. another drink, a sour expression on his face as he continues. )
He thinks he's fine. Doesn't trust him but he doesn't trust anyone. He would have gone harder with me if--anything had happened.
( he's mistrustful and stubborn, and far less easily swayed than nick, and that's about all that nick is holding onto right now. it's no kind of protection really, but it might buy time. whatever good that might do any of them.
if he has ideas whirring in the back of his mind already he doesn't voice them though, just scrapes at the corner of the label with his bitten down thumbnail and squints into the bottle. )
His name is Oliver Daye. My age, my height. Brown hair, brown eyes.
( so. william probably has a type. )
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Jess worries her lip, gaze unfixed. She can't help but assume William will push those limits. Expand the parameters of his dominance, little by little. Or a lot. He can throw caution to the wind if he does it sparingly, puts on a pretty pout and lets the city take the blame. Like he did with Nick. ]
If he can get a copy without raising suspicion, get me photos of it. For now, it might be enough that he doesn't trust him. And keeps his distance when things around here get... the fucked up way they get.
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( try, only because nick knows nebulously that william is a something, even if he doesn't know an awful lot more than that, and because oliver has about as much experience in murdering people as nick does--which is to say, none at all.
but if the "plan" (if it can even be called that, as far as what nick knows) is to sit tight, then it's probably worth rattling off the liabilities. nick is a liability, even saying william's name feels too much right now, but he can figure that out. it's everyone else that he doesn't know what to do with. )
Logan knows a little. Not everything. I saw him, after— ( he swigs rather than finish that sentence, shrugging like they're talking about the weather. ) No one else knows anything.
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She can't afford to spiral out about it now. Putting a pin on it, she pushes herself away from her desk. ]
I saw him too. [ Not right after, but why split hairs? This, at least, she can take off Nick's shoulders. ] Talked options with him. Will heals like he does. [ So Logan knows that as well. ]
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it's not--impossible, but they're certainly complications. nick presses a thumb between his eyebrows. he doesn't have a headache but it feels like he should, the amount of pressure that's weighing on this conversation. the stakes might as well be astronomical. )
Right. Okay. So I...come up with something for Oliver. Jealousy, maybe. He'll buy it if I make it something weird, maybe. Logan, I don't know. He'll probably bring it up it up if he thinks anything is going on, so I can wait for that. Get the contract, act normal with William.
( he starts about as decisively as nick is capable of, but the more he talks the less certain he gets. it's a stopgap at best, but he doesn't expect there's really any other steps to be taken. just...to hunker down, and endure the storm.
still. he asks. )
You got anything after that?
no subject
So that's a last resort. In case he catches on. It won't be half as effective as what he's truly afraid of, which remains undiscovered. It's sure as hell not pain. Even that, once weaponized, will be a never-ending battle. The city will offer opportunities to circumvent her measures. The introduction of something persuasive to the food or the air. A naive or unscrupulous new arrival to the program willing to lend him aid. Leverage over those magic users already here. And then she'll devise a counter to his retaliation, and so on and so on, until the program sees fit to send one of them home.
It seems so hellishly exhausting and hopeless when she thinks that far ahead. ]
Yeah. [ She lumbers over to the couch and sits herself down with the grace of a potato sack. ] It's safer if you don't know. But if something happens, call me. [ She doesn't sound sure about making that offer but she has to. She's the only one who can. ]